Why Advice Doesn't Change Lives

Imagine you are standing in front of a locked door.

You've been trying to open it for years.

Someone walks past and says,

"Push harder."

Another says,

"You just need more confidence."

A third says,

"Believe in yourself."

So you push harder.

You become more determined.

You believe with all your heart.

Yet the door doesn't move.

Then someone walks over.

They don't tell you to push harder.

They quietly point toward the handle.

You had been pulling a door that needed to be pushed.

The problem was never your effort.

The problem was your understanding.

Life is often exactly like that.

Most people are working incredibly hard.

They're reading books.

Watching motivational videos.

Listening to podcasts.

Attending seminars.

Trying positive thinking.

Trying affirmations.

Trying discipline.

Trying productivity systems.

Trying everything they know.

Yet somehow...

the same patterns quietly return.

Not because they are lazy.

Not because they don't want change.

Because they are pulling on doors that open in another direction.

I used to believe people changed because someone gave them the right answer.

Now I believe something very different.

People change when they finally ask the right question.

Think back to your own life.

How many people have given you advice?

Parents.

Teachers.

Friends.

Managers.

Books.

Social media.

Everyone has an opinion.

Everyone wants to help.

Everyone tells you what you should do.

"Be confident."

"Don't worry."

"Think positively."

"Forgive."

"Move on."

"Stop caring what people think."

Almost all of that advice is good.

The question is...

why doesn't it create lasting change?

If knowledge alone changed people...

every doctor would be perfectly healthy.

Every psychologist would never feel anxious.

Every financial advisor would be wealthy.

Every marriage counsellor would have a perfect marriage.

Knowledge matters.

But knowledge alone isn't enough.

Imagine reading ten books about swimming.

You understand breathing.

You understand floating.

You understand every stroke.

Would that make you a swimmer?

Of course not.

There comes a moment when information must become experience.

Coaching is built around that moment.

Not the moment you know.

The moment you discover.

There is a huge difference.

Information comes from someone else's experience.

Insight comes from your own.

One afternoon, a participant looked at me and said,

"I already knew everything you just explained."

I smiled.

Then I asked,

"If you already knew it...

why were you still suffering?"

He laughed.

Then became quiet.

Because deep inside...

he realised something.

Knowing isn't always understanding.

And understanding isn't always experiencing.

Transformation happens when all three meet.

That is why I don't want you to simply learn something during our webinar.

I want you to experience something.

Because experiences stay with us long after words are forgotten.

Think about learning to ride a bicycle.

Nobody explained balance well enough for you to suddenly know how to ride.

Balance was discovered.

Your body understood something before your words ever could.

Coaching often works the same way.

Some insights cannot be explained.

They must be experienced.

That is why I rarely begin by giving answers.

Instead...

I become curious.

I ask questions.

Questions most people have never asked themselves.

Questions that gently open doors that have been closed for years.

Sometimes one honest question creates more change than ten years of advice.

One of my favourite questions is incredibly simple.

Not...

"What do you want?"

But...

"What keeps happening?"

Because hidden inside that answer...

is usually a pattern.

And hidden inside the pattern...

is usually a belief.

And hidden inside the belief...

is usually a story.

We spend so much time trying to change behaviour.

Very few people stop to understand the story creating the behaviour.

That is where coaching begins.

Not with behaviour.

With understanding.

When understanding changes...

behaviour often follows naturally.

Imagine standing in front of a mirror covered in dust.

You think something is wrong with your reflection.

So you adjust your clothes.

Fix your hair.

Stand differently.

Smile differently.

Nothing helps.

Finally...

someone wipes the mirror.

Instantly everything becomes clear.

The reflection didn't change.

The mirror did.

Coaching is often nothing more complicated than cleaning the mirror.

Not changing who you are.

Helping you see yourself clearly.

That is why coaching feels so different from advice.

Advice tells you where to go.

Coaching helps you discover why you've been standing still.

...because advice speaks to the part of you that already knows.

Coaching speaks to the part of you that has been quietly running your life.

That difference changes everything.

The Day I Stopped Giving Advice

There was a time when I believed my job was to solve people's problems.

Someone would tell me they lacked confidence.

I would teach confidence.

Someone would tell me they struggled with fear.

I would explain fear.

Someone would tell me they couldn't let go of the past.

I would share techniques.

Sometimes people improved.

Sometimes they didn't.

At first, I thought they weren't applying what they had learned.

Then one day I realised something humbling.

The problem wasn't their willingness.

The problem was that I was trying to answer questions before understanding where those questions came from.

From that day onward, I changed one habit.

I became more interested in understanding people than impressing them.

Everything changed.

People began discovering answers I could never have given them.

Not because I became a better teacher.

Because I became a better listener.

The Conversation Beneath The Conversation

Every conversation has two levels.

The words people say.

And the story beneath those words.

Someone says,

"I've lost confidence."

But underneath they may be asking,

"Am I enough?"

Someone says,

"I keep procrastinating."

But underneath they may be asking,

"What if I fail?"

Someone says,

"I can't make a decision."

But underneath they may be asking,

"What if I make the wrong choice and disappoint everyone?"

Great coaching doesn't stop at the first conversation.

It gently discovers the second one.

Because lasting change rarely happens at the surface.

It happens at the root.

Imagine A Tree

Imagine standing in front of a large tree.

Several branches are dry.

The leaves are falling.

Most people begin trimming the branches.

They water the leaves.

They polish the trunk.

But an experienced gardener does something different.

They kneel down.

They examine the roots.

Because they understand something simple.

Healthy roots produce healthy branches.

Unhealthy roots produce struggling branches.

Your confidence is a branch.

Your relationships are branches.

Your habits are branches.

Your emotions are branches.

Your decisions are branches.

If we only work on the branches...

we may see temporary improvement.

If we understand the roots...

lasting change becomes possible.

That is why coaching is different.

It doesn't ignore behaviour.

It simply asks,

"What is feeding this behaviour?"

The Second Principle Of The Decoding Humanity Movement

At the Decoding Humanity Movement, we believe that every visible behaviour has an invisible cause.

People rarely wake up and decide,

"Today I will doubt myself."

Nobody consciously chooses,

"Today I'll sabotage another opportunity."

These behaviours usually make sense once we understand the experiences, beliefs and meanings that quietly shaped them.

That doesn't mean we blame the past.

It means we become curious about it.

Because curiosity creates understanding.

Understanding creates awareness.

Awareness creates choice.

And choice creates transformation.